New Ideas to Head into the New Decade

I'm still in a bit of a turkey-and-pie-and-too-much-food-in-general coma from Thanksgiving, but as I slowly ease back into some sort of work rhythm, I'm excited to share a few things I came across in the last month. I hope these might give you some ideas and energy as you approach... 2020!

Godspeed. If you want to be totally refreshed and encouraged at a new (which is actually quite ancient) idea for "doing church," set aside 45 minutes or so to watch this. Then watch it with a church staff, or small group, or fellow pilgrims. I LOVED IT. I don't want to say much more. Just watch it.

Wanna Form a Band?! I played in pep and orchestral band in high school (picture me and my flute tooting "Ease On Down the Road" -- or don't...); my brother often plays in cover bands; my mom used to be in a ukulele band.... but sorry, I'm not talking about that kind of band. Good ol' John Wesley, his brother Charles, and George Whitefield started a little accountability and prayer group at Oxford that their friends mockingly called "the Holy Club." But out of that little group eventually emerged massive revival and transformation across England and eventually the US. A core aspect of the movement revolved around these tight little groups, which they called "bands." This link provides a 21st Century approach to forming such a group. Check it.

Celebrating Abundance: Devotions for Advent by Walter Brueggemann. I try to find a poignant, challenging, not-cheesy devotional every year for Advent, and folks, I found a WINNER this year. It's not too late, if you're still looking! Here's a quote that rang my bell:

In Advent, however, we receive the power of God that lies beyond us. This power is the antidote to our fatigue and cynicism. It is the gospel resolution to our spent self-sufficiency, when we are at the edge of our coping. It is the good news that will overmatch our cynicism that imagines there is no new thing that can enter our world. (my underlining) 

Let me know if you get a copy and we can exchange favorite quotes over and over... Brueggemann is such a gift.

Lectionary Poetry. This seems like a gold mine. Take a peek. It certainly tugs at my English major heart.

Final thoughts...
If I'm being honest, I'm a little ambivalent about December... for 11 years, Decembers were spent feverishly preparing for ski or winter camp that happened the week between Christmas and New Year's, and at the same time doing year-end fundraising to end the year in the black, however small that might be. I was always sick and exhausted by the end of the trip. And then for 15 years of working with the church, many preparations were needed for multiple celebrations and services. Often I was in charge of really big stuff like the candles at Christmas Eve (and scraping the spilled wax off the carpet afterward...) and turning off the lights at just the right moment for Silent Night.

What am I getting at? That the Christmas season has not always been easy street for some of us, not the warm, cozy time of Hallmark specials. I don't say that to feel sorry for myself, but to give myself permission (and perhaps a few of you) to not feel pressure to make this the. most. magical. time. of. the. year.

But I still do want to look for beauty and hope in unexpected places. I'll be gentle with myself (and hopefully others!) and keep Brueggemann's words from today's reading in mind:

But let me tell you the news that is proclaimed in Christ’s coming, about which we are reminded at every Communion service: Jesus has turned the world into abundance. God is the gift who keeps on giving, and the people around Jesus are empowered to receive abundance and therefore to act generously... We are recipients of enough and enough and more than enough, enough and enough and more than enough to share.

Have a lovely month of abundance. Thanks for reading.

Holy Week Readings, Day Four

Thought-provoking insights from Wisdom Distilled from the Daily regarding reflective prayer:

Prayer is the filter through which we view our worlds. Prayer provokes us to see the life around us in fresh, new ways... Prayer is designed to enable people to realize that God is in the world around them... prayer is meant to call us back to a consciousness of God here and now, not to make God some kind of private getaway from life. 

It is so easy to come to believe that what we do is so much more important that what we are. It is so easy to simply get too busy to grow. 

To pray only when we feel like it is more to seek consolation than to risk conversion. To pray only when it suits us is to want God on our terms... The hard fact is that nobody finds time for prayer. The time must be taken. There will always be something more pressing to do, something more important to be about than the apparently fruitless, empty act of prayer. But when that attitude takes over, we have begun the last trip down a very short road because, without prayer, the energy for the rest of life runs down.

Benedictine prayer [rooted in the Psalms and the Scriptures] pries me out of myself and stretches me beyond myself so that I can come someday, perhaps, to be my best self... Benedictine prayer life, besides being scriptural and regular, is reflective. It is designed to make us take our own lives into account in the light of the gospel.

There is little for me to add to these remarkable words. For several years I was in a Tuesday morning prayer group where we learned and practiced the things described here. Rather than revolving our prayers reactively around our immediate circumstances, we learned to invite scripture and the Spirit to set the tone. In fits and starts, I have applied the wisdom gained from my experience in that group, and today's reading is a gut-punch reminder of those lessons.

So today I will reflect and read and pray through Psalm 86, the psalm that is assigned to my daily Bible reading. I will heed these discerning reflections from Wisdom as I pray through it:

Reflection on the Scriptures is basic to growth in prayer to growth as a person. Prayer is a process of coming to be something new. It is not simply a series of exercises.

1 Hear me, Lord, and answer me,
    for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
    save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
    for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
    for I put my trust in you.

5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
    abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, Lord;
    listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
    because you answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
    no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made
    will come and worship before you, Lord;
    they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
    you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, Lord,
    that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
    that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
    I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
    you have delivered me from the depths,
    from the realm of the dead.

14 Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
    ruthless people are trying to kill me—
    they have no regard for you.
15 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
    slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
    show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
    just as my mother did.
17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
    that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
    for you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Kingdom of Joy

I have allowed life to get far too busy this month. Not only have I neglected posting things here, but worse, I have allowed my vision to be colored by immediate circumstances.

Today I was deeply reminded of the right things, through 3 different readings.

First, a lovely poem by George Herbert

Thou that hast giv'n so much to me,
    Give one thing more, a gratefull heart.
    See how thy beggar works on thee
            By art.

    He makes thy gifts occasion more,
    And sayes, if he in this be crost,
    All thou hast giv'n him heretofore
            Is lost.

    But thou didst reckon, when at first
    Thy word our hearts and hands did crave,
    What it would come to at the worst
            To save.

    Perpetuall knockings at thy doore,
    Tears sullying thy transparent rooms,
    Gift upon gift, much would have more,
        And comes.

    This notwithstanding, thou wentst on,
    And didst allow us all our noise:
    Nay, thou hast made a sigh and grone
            Thy joyes.

    Not that thou hast not still above
    Much better tunes, than grones can make;
    But that these countrey-aires thy love
            Did take.

    Wherefore I crie, and crie again;
    And in no quiet canst thou be,
    Till I a thankfull heart obtain
            Of thee:

    Not thankfull, when it pleaseth me;
    As if thy blessings had spare dayes:
    But such a heart, whose pulse may be
            Thy praise.
    ... George Herbert (1593-1633)

As I allow myself to be overly burdened by the day-to-day, I "sigh and grone" too much. Thanks be to God that he “allows us all our noise” and receives our inadequate words. Bit by bit, mile by mile, year by year, I am trying to learn more about how to be grateful regardless of circumstances, purely because I know my Creator and Lord. I am relieved beyond words that He is patient with me in the meantime.

Next, from Henri Nouwen:
When Jesus speaks about the world, he is very realistic. He speaks about wars and revolutions, earthquakes, plagues and famines, persecution and imprisonment, betrayal, hatred and assassinations. There is no suggestion at all that these signs of the world’s darkness will ever be absent. But still, God’s joy can be ours in the midst of it all. It is the joy of belonging to the household of God whose love is stronger than death and who empowers us to be in the world while already belonging to the kingdom of joy. 

Again: I cannot let my circumstances govern my perspective. Knowledge of the Holy is more than enough. If I fix my focus on the eternal, on the "kingdom of joy," rather than the here and now, I will be rightly oriented.

Last, Mark 9 -- One of my favorite passages of scripture:

2 Six days later, Jesus took with him Peter and James and John, and led them up a high mountain apart, by themselves. And he was transfigured before them, 3 and his clothes became dazzling white, such as no one on earth could bleach them. 4 And there appeared to them Elijah with Moses, who were talking with Jesus. 5 Then Peter said to Jesus, “Rabbi, it is good for us to be here; let us make three dwellings, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” 6 He did not know what to say, for they were terrified. 7 Then a cloud overshadowed them, and from the cloud there came a voice, “This is my Son, the Beloved; listen to him!” 8 Suddenly when they looked around, they saw no one with them any more, but only Jesus.

Indeed, this describes me all too well. I always want to hide away, shut out the world's noise, and be comforted. Yet we cannot remain huddled up, away from the world, only focused on ourselves and what we want. We have been given the insight to know the fullness, in order to remain in the world and share such deeply good news with others.

Thus I am reminded to not get so swept up in my own busyness and to-do's that I lose sight of what matters. Instead, I hope to be a carrier of of hope, love and persistent kindness in a dark and confusing world, anticipating the kingdom of joy that awaits.

We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God. The world is crowded with God. God walks everywhere incognito. And the incognito is not always hard to penetrate. The real labor is to remember, to attend. In fact, to come awake. Still more, to remain awake.

C. S. Lewis, from Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I find it to be a breathtaking gift when small things -- a phrase, a quote, words from a stranger, even a clipping from a news article -- come together and communicate a gentle word that can only be from the Spirit because of the effect they create.

This morning, these two passages came in from different sources:

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away. Henri Nouwen (go to this link if you want to sign up to receive the daily readings)

Then I turn to scripture, and this is part of today's reading:

Matthew 6
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? 28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ 32 For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Like Elijah in 1 Kings 19, I look for words from God in big, sweeping gestures. Instead, he often beckons with something subtle, to which I need to be always attentive in order to not miss it. He's not playing games with us; he simply will not work according to our own frantic demands and timelines. Do I want to live according to whatever is screaming at me, or focus on those important, constant things that ultimately matter?

Meanwhile, I will rejoice in what is right in front of me: the birth of a daughter to dear friends, the warmth of sun (a priceless commodity right now as much of our country is freezing), a full stomach, a sound mind. I will choose to "be happy," because in Christ, we can do so.

Long Walk to Freedom

I found myself watching many different things on the news as 2013 came to a close: reflections on the 1-year anniversary of Sandy Hook, the "Fast4Families" call for immigration reform, escalating tensions in Sudan and horrific attacks in Syria, all the buzz about Pope Francis as the Time Magazine "Person of the Year"... but the stories I found myself following the most closely were the commemoration events that marked the passing of Nelson Mandela.

I had planned on reading his autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom, during the Christmas Break, but when he died on December 5, I immediately got started. I was about halfway through the book when I went with a friend to see the film of the same name that came out at Christmas. I was nervous that I would stop reading once I saw the movie, but a 2 1/2 hour movie cannot begin to capture the massive swath of history covered in the book, so I returned to reading with renewed interest. (My own review: it's a really good movie... but no surprise, the book is even better!)

Digging into a thick biography is nothing new for me. I usually try to pick up one per year; in the past I have studied the lives of Theodore Roosevelt, John Steinbeck, Sir Ernest Shackleton, Lewis & Clark, Lou Gehrig, Mother Teresa, Eric Liddell, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Merton, Martin Luther, James McBride, Lauren Winner, C.S. Lewis... My appetite is never really satisfied! I immediately made a mental note for my next one when I saw a preview for a new movie coming out this April on the life of César Chávez.

I am currently in the section of Mandela's book that the movie did not portray in deep enough detail: his 27 years spent in captivity as a political prisoner. He spent 18 of those years on Robben Island, a desolate former leper colony. I finally have to make myself go to bed as I read these chapters; they are so gripping that I do not want them to end, but at the same time I don't feel like I can read fast enough to take it all in.

One of the main reasons I enjoy reading biographies is that I am profoundly fascinated by people's capacity to endure and move on past hardship. I learn from each person's journey, and if you know anything about the people listed above, you will see that the majority of them persevered through unimaginable suffering, remarkable challenges and heart-breaking misfortune.

With this is in mind, I am truly being schooled when it comes to the life of Nelson Mandela. Here's a sampling of some of the things he describes:

• At that time of year, the cells were so cold and the blankets provided so little warmth that we always slept fully dressed.
• The racial divide on Robben Island was absolute: there were no black warders, and no white prisoners.
• Prison is designed to break one's spirit and destroy one's resolve. To do this, the authorities attempt to exploit every weakness, demolish every initiative, negate all signs of individuality -- all with the idea of stamping out that spark that makes each of us human and each of us who we are.
• I never seriously considered the possibility that I would not emerge from prison one day.
• The authorities liked to say that we received a balanced diet; it was indeed balanced -- between the unpalatable and the inedible. 
• As a D Group prisoner [the lowest grade], I was entitled to have only one visitor, and to write and receive only one letter every six months. I found this one of the most inhumane restrictions of the prison system.
• We fought injustice wherever we found it, no matter how large, or how small, and we fought injustice to preserve our own humanity.
• [After describing his bouts of solitary confinement] But the human body has an enormous capacity for adjusting to trying circumstances. I have found that one can bear the unbearable if one can keep one's spirits strong even when one's body is being tested. Strong convictions are the secret of surviving deprivation; your spirit can be full even when your stomach is empty.

I won't begin to compare anything in my experience with the expansive saga of Mandela. But for the last several months I have been part of a group that is seeking after lives of shalom and solidarity on the Westside here in Santa Barbara, an underserved community with the majority living at poverty level. So the story of Long Walk to Freedom is compelling and instructive. There are about 20 of us who are building friendships there week after week, and I am grateful that there are many small victories to celebrate.

Nevertheless, we have very, very far to go to truly join in the lives of those we have met. But if Nelson Mandela can live through 27 years of imprisonment, I cannot find any of the challenges I am facing to be insuperable. Rather, as he counsels, I will seek to live by "strong convictions" and the invigorating strength of the Holy Spirit, seeking to work with others to fight injustice and be messengers of peace and hope. 

As you begin this year, what road are you on? Has it been a long odyssey? Do you feel like you are nearing the goal, or are you wandering? Are your spirits flagging? Be reminded that the journey is the destination. Redouble your efforts and dig in for the long haul. Personally, I can only do that with the grace and revival of the Spirit's work in my life daily... and reading good books like Long Walk to Freedom!

So as 2014 commences, I rejoice that I have truly, finally, found freedom (Galatians 5:1) through the honesty and beauty of the gospel. It was a long walk, and I will continue on that journey so that others may know that freedom as well.

Proclaim and Persist

Yesterday was a good time of reflection for me. In my internships course at Westmont College, I brought in two guests who shared their "calling stories" -- the ways in which they sensed that God had directed them into live out lives of service and ministry. I think all too often, we as Christians assume that only if we are struck blind on a road to Damascus or hear a voice from heaven that we are "called." I wanted my class to hear from two faithful leaders, who really just put one foot in front of the other in obedience and lived fruitful lives. We are all called to this.

Naturally, as I listened to these wise and gifted friends, I thought about my own process. One of the speakers shared that we are just like Abraham, who never really knew where he was headed, but went on a "journey by stages," discovering God's call on his life bit by bit, year by year, place by place.

I confirm this insight. I never fail to be surprised at where God has taken me, and what opportunities he brings.

In the last week I have had a wonderful array of "past, present, and future" encounters that reminded me of the array of those opportunities. I heard from former students, now approaching 40, with children and ministries of their own, thanking me for our times together. I sat on a council with a wide variety of gifted church leaders, all reflecting on the past and looking into what it will take to live into God's vision for the kingdom. I worshiped and learned with a room full of Latino pastors and leaders, considering the missional opportunities that await us in the 21st century, especially in Southern California. I met with several students individually and talked over the highs and lows of faith and dating and decision-making, secretly smiling over the several hundred times I have had these conversations with students since 1982... and last but not least, I played with a park full of children on the Westside, juggling a plate full of delicious tacos while avoiding soccer balls as they flew through the air, rejoicing at the missional community that is growing among a group of us.

Today's reading took me into 2Timothy 4, where the Apostle Paul is passing the torch of ministry and leadership onto Timothy. While I do not feel like I'm at the end of my journey, this passage does give me great things to ponder as I continue on my "journey by stages":

In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching. For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths. As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully.

As for me, I am already being poured out as a libation, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. From now on there is reserved for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have longed for his appearing. (verses 1-8)

Paul's imperatives stand out to me most:

     "proclaim"

     "persist"

     "convince"

     "rebuke"

     "encourage"

I take each of these to heart, and want to remember to continue in them "whether the time is favorable or unfavorable." To pursue them all requires a combination of assertiveness and sensitivity, where I am both "wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove" (Matthew 10:16). Only the Spirit's work in us can manage that delicate tension.

Think about your own journey by stages. Rejoice in how each step brings you closer to God and shapes you ever so slightly. May we each persevere as fight the good fight, finish the race and keep the faith.

Finding Your Way

Occasionally I get asked how I came to title my blog "Listening to My Life." The clue is given in the quote directly below the title, from Parker Palmer. I came across this lovely statement when I read one of Palmer's books, which ended up be a game-changer for me, titled Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. 

There is not a month that goes by where I don't recommend this book to someone. Students freshly graduated from college who are asking the big "what's now?" questions, young adults in their late twenties or early thirties who are feeling stuck in a variety of ways, or peers who are surprised by the need to change (or restart) their careers as they enter the latter third of working life.

Invariably, their next question is "can I borrow your copy?" and I just smile because there is NO. PICKIN'. WAY. I am loaning out my copy. It's more like a journal at this point, after a few readings... I've written notes and underlines and dates and even a name or two in the margins!

I was reminded of all this by another quote from Palmer that I came across today:

“The power of a fully lived life or a truly learned mind is not a power to be sought or contrived. It comes only as we let go of what we possess and find ourselves possessed by a truth greater than our own.”

I enjoy Palmer's book so much because it is raw and authentic. He freely talks about his own failures, but not in a that ridiculous, "humblebrag" sort of way. Rather, he describes real failures and lapses in judgment. He demonstrates true remorse. He chronicles painful seasons of depression. His concise but purposeful language peeled away my defenses, and I finally faced "the reality of my own fear." (p. 26) While this was painful, it was also ultimately liberating, and launched me on the trajectory I am now on. Today's quote sums up that place very well... I have to admit that I feel like I am fully living life, and know this to be a great gift, rather than something I was able to conjure up. 

How did I arrive in this place? Short answer: the grace of God. Longer answer: a long and circuitous journey during which I s-l-o-w-l-y learned to heed the still, small voice of God prompting me this way and that. I have learned so much along the way, and I shared a few these things with my crop of summer interns in our training recently. 

In no particular order of importance, they are:

1. Your calling is to someone, not something. In Ephesians 4:1 it says, “I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” We must get rid of this prevailing notion that our identity is found in what we do. We must shed this Christiany tendency of thinking that we must have this crazy, blinding, writing-in-the-sky Damascus Road experience where our "calling" is given, and that anything else is living below God's passion. So much pressure! We are to love God with our heart, soul, mind and strength. Wherever we are, whatever we are doing. Period.
2. Invite others whom you trust to help you understand your gifts. In all of my own ministry roles, I was asked to do them. People discerned things in me that I did not see in myself. In fact, I shy away from those who want to self-identify their gifts and calling. Discerning your gifts and the way you can serve can and should be a corporate experience, where your trusted community calls things out in you and commissions you for the task.
3. Don’t look sideways. 1 Corinthians 12 is all about the various gifts of the body. All are valid, all are different. One of the big downfalls of Christian college graduates that I have observed is the comparison game. They all think they have to be "Indiana Jones for Jesus," arriving with flash and swagger, supposedly conquering some world problem or starting a non-profit. Sheesh. Don't compare yourself to others. God works through each of us in different ways.
4. God doesn’t care what you do! Sure, I’m overstating to make my point. But in 1Cor 7:17 it says, “However that may be, let each of you lead the life that the Lord has assigned, to which God called you.” This passage is primarily about marital and social status, framed with the belief that Jesus would be returning quickly, but nevertheless, the statement applies. Are you being faithful to God where you are? Why would changing your circumstances affect your ministry? May we be dissuaded from the myth that there is one single path that is God's will for your life. Love God now with all you've got, whatever you are doing, be it a gardener, a CEO, a new parent, unemployed. Our eternal job is to know God (John 17:3, John 6:28-29); everything else is temporary.
5. Nothing is permanent. You may do one thing for a long time, then you may do something else… While I could go on a dandy rant about how much "kids these days" don't understand commitment, I want to also say that saying yes to something does not doom you to 35 years of the same damn thing, day after day. I have had 3 long-term jobs in my adult life (11 years, 15 years, and now 4.5 years). Do not be afraid that if you commit to something that you're chained to it for the rest of your days.
6. Do what you want. I have known so many people in ministry, and one thing stands out to me – everyone who has lasted a long time in their role has totally wanted to do what they were doing. I believe God gave them that desire. We tend to think calling has to be something miserable, that you are dragged into it kicking and screaming. Let me be clear – I haven’t always been happy in the moment that I was doing something; but I have always wanted to do whatever I was doing, even when it was difficult. I’m not talking about feelings, I’m talking about convictions.

Concluding, I will quote another favorite writer, Frederick Buechner: "Vocation is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." How I pray those are freeing words for you.

What is Leadership? Part Two

I have no plans of posting a series titled What is Leadership? but sometimes I get inspired by something I read or experience, so I'm back at it.

This morning in Acts 15-16 I came across four quick snippets of leadership that made me smile and nod my head in affirmation. In Acts 15:36-41, we see disagreement between leaders:

After some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Come, let us return and visit the believers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul decided not to take with them one who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not accompanied them in the work. The disagreement became so sharp that they parted company; Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and set out, the believers commending him to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

I sure have been in this situation a time or twenty... two strong-willed leaders hold their ground, and have to part company. I love this because first of all, it's in the Bible. This isn't a glossed-over, everything-was-puppies-and-rainbows-all-the-time story about how the church began. We see things as they happened. Secondly, it's an example of how many of our decisions as leaders do not fall within a zero-sum, black-and-white-, right/wrong construct. Here we see there were two different views of what to do with Mark as a leader; Barnabas (who had the gift of encouragement) wants to give Mark another chance, and Paul has had enough. So they part ways, and take the gospel in different directions.

Next, in Acts 16:1-5 we meet Timothy for the first time, who ends up being mentored by Paul. Again, I like what we see here about leadership:

Paul went on also to Derbe and to Lystra, where there was a disciple named Timothy, the son of a Jewish woman who was a believer; but his father was a Greek. He was well spoken of by the believers in Lystra and Iconium. Paul wanted Timothy to accompany him; and he took him and had him circumcised because of the Jews who were in those places, for they all knew that his father was a Greek. As they went from town to town, they delivered to them for observance the decisions that had been reached by the apostles and elders who were in Jerusalem. So the churches were strengthened in the faith and increased in numbers daily.

In keeping with the unlikely profiles of the disciples as leaders, we meet Saul (later Paul) in Acts 9, and here we meet Timothy, who is a Jew because he has a Jewish mother, but a sort of "half-breed" as well by having a Greek father. My friend Christena Cleveland wrote articulately about the varied cultural understandings of leadership, so I don't need to really expand on that. Suffice it to say, Timothy isn't a "superman" sort of leader. Nevertheless, he was "well spoken of by the believers." A crucial element of leadership that I look for is confirmation of calling by the community. Far too often I meet people who essentially self-appoint themselves as pastors and leaders. Not so fast, tiger. If someone approaches me and tells me they feel called to be a pastor (this happens fairly often, believe it or not), the first thing I ask is "Great. Have you started any Bible studies?" They don't have to be Joe Charisma, but they need to understand the consistent, hard work it takes to make stuff happen ~ and have others confirm that they have the gifts and graces to continue.

What follows soon after is one of my favorite stories in scripture. In Acts 16:11-16 we read of the conversion of a businesswoman and God-seeker named Lydia:

We set sail from Troas and took a straight course to Samothrace, the following day to Neapolis, and from there to Philippi, which is a leading city of the district of Macedonia and a Roman colony. We remained in this city for some days. On the sabbath day we went outside the gate by the river, where we supposed there was a place of prayer; and we sat down and spoke to the women who had gathered there. A certain woman named Lydia, a worshiper of God, was listening to us; she was from the city of Thyatira and a dealer in purple cloth. The Lord opened her heart to listen eagerly to what was said by Paul. When she and her household were baptized, she urged us, saying, “If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come and stay at my home.” And she prevailed upon us.

In 2005 I visited the site outside of Philippi where this supposedly happened. My heart swelled with joy and no small amount of pride at "meeting" a woman whose legacy I carry on some 2,000 years later. Lydia went on to host the nascent church of Philippi in her home. Let's not forget that this was the first church in Europe. Whenever that lovely conversation bubbles up about whether or not women can be leaders in the church, I point to this passage as one of my favorite examples of how it has happened from the beginning.

What can I conclude from this section? That leadership is human, but infused with God's Spirit. It includes disagreement, no easy answers, and possibilities for anyone. Recently I plugged the word "leadership" into Amazon's search engine, and over 100,000 titles came up! But the world's understanding of leadership is not the template we blindly follow as we lead God's church. May we follow the Spirit first and foremost, in small and consistent ways, as we press forward.

Doubt and the In-Between

I love listening to a variety of podcasts when I ride my bike: great storytelling, fascinating journalism, round-the-horn discussions on politics and trending topics, long and probing interviews, new music... and truth be told, a little sportstalk too.

This one caught my attention the other day: "This hour, we walk the tightrope between doubt and certainty, and wonder if there's a way to make yourself at home on that razor's edge between definitely...and not so sure."

It followed the story of a geologist who had to face the fact that one day it hit him: "I don't believe in God anymore."

This didn't scare me. In fact, I have variations of this conversation quite frequently. As a pastor friend of mine put it recently in an email exchange: "We increasingly are doing ministry in a place where the people are interested in Jesus but not that interested in the traditional ways churches have expressed their service to Him.  This requires new thoughts and new methods as we bring the holy love of God into the world." Amen to that.

I won't give away the story told in the podcast - it is definitely worth a listen. But I'm not giving anything away by saying it follows the winding road of someone's journey with doubt. I mentioned in the post previous to this one that I am reading a fascinating book by Christian Wiman on this very topic. I read this passage this week:

Honest doubt, what I would call devotional doubt, is marked, it seems to me, by three qualities: humility, which makes one’s attitude impossible to celebrate; insufficiency, which makes it impossible to rest; and mystery, which continues to tug you upward— or at least outward— even in your lowest moments.

He contrasts this sort of authentic searching with "an almost religious commitment to doubt itself, an assuredness that absolute doubt is the highest form of faith," which he describes as "static and self-enthralled." I like the way he describes that, because when I have conversations with people who have many questions about faith and meaning of life and suffering and grief and all that, I engage with them according to the posture they take. If people want to banter and debate about the unknowability of such questions, I do not linger long. The abstractions of such talk does not interest me all that much, and experience has shown me that they are not really looking for conclusive answers.

But hear me out: I am not saying that I only want to nail down hard and fast explanations either, because I think those are hard to come by as well. I like the way Wiman puts it -- "honest doubt" keeps drilling down for adequate insight into the big questions of life. It cannot rest. Rather than enjoying the sound of its own voice as it rattles off quotable and snarky quips, honest doubt wrestles with questions. I can remain in those conversations as long as people want to talk.

I think Jesus did too. This week, as I was reading in the Gospel of John, I came across this seemingly insignificant detail. Jesus has been crucified and is dead, still hanging on the cross:

After these things, Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus, though a secret one because of his fear of the Jews, asked Pilate to let him take away the body of Jesus. Pilate gave him permission; so he came and removed his body. Nicodemus, who had at first come to Jesus by night, also came, bringing a mixture of myrrh and aloes, weighing about a hundred pounds. (John 19:38-39)

Nicodemus! I flipped back to chapter 3, where this Jewish leader comes to Jesus under cover of darkness, with his questions and doubts, after having heard Jesus teach in public earlier. Nicodemus recognizes that Jesus is some sort of wise teacher with a new authority, and Jesus responds with some enigmatic words about being "born from above" (where we get the all-too-abused phrase "born again") and Nicodemus is baffled: “How can anyone be born after having grown old?" Jesus says some more strange and exciting and disturbing things and Nicodemus responds with a simple question: “How can these things be?”

This strikes me as an example of the "honest doubt" that Wiman describes. And when I came upon this lovely little detail in chapter 19, where Nicodemus came to bury Jesus' body with Joseph of Arimathea, "who was a disciple of Jesus," I immediately thought, "how I wish I knew the story in between!" Wouldn't you love to know more about Nicodemus' journey of questions, doubt, and faith between chapters 3 and 19? It reminded me that we are all on a long and winding road, and I have learned that the story isn't over when someone expresses some life-altering questions and concerns. (Here's another plug for listening to that podcast on doubt -- it captures this process really well.)

May we be patient listeners, and always keep the "in-between" in sight. I am partnering with a great group of people to think through how we meet people where they are, in their skepticism and frustration, rather than write them off as "lost." Instead, we want to join people in the journey of honest doubt.

Together

A relaxing weekend full of fun, rest, reading, and recreation was topped off by something work-related, but so fun nevertheless. I have just started my third summer with interns for the Free Methodist Church in Southern California, and tonight we had our first online training session. After far too much goofing around (and I can't complain about it, because I participated in it!) eleven interns and myself got down to business through Go-To Meeting, even though we were spread out from Santa Barbara to Long Beach to Escondido to Barstow. I love technology...

One of the books we are reading together is titled This We Believe by Will Willimon, and we started with these words from the Introduction: 

"Do not attempt theology at home! You can't do faithful Christian theology on your own— thinking about God is a group activity." 

We spent some time talking through this thought in light of what we would be doing together each week in our training. It set the stage for a tremendous hour and a half of spirited discussion (and laughter, of course) around several different topics. I was buzzing with energy when we signed off! It is part of why I really enjoy working with young adults -- their energy, questions, and earnest hope is so contagious. And it definitely keeps me feeling young.

I thought of our collective exercise in God-talk as I spent some time afterward chipping away at a whole other book entirely, one that has really got me wrapped around its finger. It's called The Bright Abyss: Meditation of a Modern Believer by Christian Wiman. I'm quite positive I'll be writing more about this book soon. I cannot even begin to sum up what it says, and it would be a great disservice to try. I will say that Wiman is saying things about faith, doubt, belief, grief and God that I have never encountered. Part of it could be due to the fact that though this is a book of essays, he is primarily a poet. His gift with language is frankly stunning for me at times. It is both thrilling, and daunting. Take a risk and read it for yourself. I really don't think you'll regret it.

ANYWAY... these two statements from the book hit me tonight:

Solitude is an integral part of any vital spiritual life, but spiritual experience that is solely solitary inevitably leads to despair.

In fact, as I've said, this is how you ascertain the truth of spiritual experience: it propels you back toward the world and other people, and not simply more deeply within yourself.

Chew on those for a few moments.

Tonight, during our intern training, I mentioned that the plan to "think about God as a group activity" makes sense especially in light of the fact that the Bible is what I call a "plural document." In other words, the Bible was not written to individuals; essentially, all of the "you's" in the Bible are in second-person plural. It is a community document, to be read (and listened to) in collective worship and study. Certainly, we benefit greatly as we read the Bible on our own. But we can never forget that it is addressed, from start to finish, to the people of God. I illustrated my point by taking a well-known passage from Philippians, asking them to hear it as it was written, addressing the entire church at Philippi:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (1:3-6)

We all agreed that we have received those lovely words in a card or inscription in a book... and while they are personally inspiring, they take on incredible meaning when we think about them in terms of a community of believers. Because then, the inspiration comes in being so connected with God's people as he weaves and binds us together in this crazy process of growth and partnership. As Wiman tells us, we are moved from despair to truth, life and hope. Glory.

Give Us This Day

In the last four years I have been reflecting on the story of manna in scripture. If you're not that familiar with it, it is in the Book of Exodus, Chapter 16. The Israelites have fled Pharaoh's oppression and enslavement, and are being led by Moses through the wilderness.

Though they have every reason to believe in God's care for them at this point (having seen miracle upon miracle through the plagues and the parting of the Red Sea, described in the preceding chapters of Exodus), the Israelites do what all of us do when things don't go the way we want or expect: they complain. They are hot and hungry, and it feels like they are in a desperate situation.

In spite of their lack of faith, and their whining, God provides for them. He gives them meat to eat, and "a fine flaky substance, as fine as frost on the ground," that "was like coriander seed, white, and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey." The Israelites called it manna, which according to a couple of Bible encyclopedias I looked at, derived from the words "What is it?" (man hu) They could boil or bake it, but they would only receive enough for each day. If they tried to hoard it, it would rot.

Right around this time in 2009, I was in transition. I had moved out of one position I had had for about fifteen years. Unfortunately, this decision was made right before the economy completed tanked, and job hunting was not a walk in the park. This is what I wrote then in this blog:

I am waiting upon God's timing and provision for work these days. It is a daily discipline, and more and more I am seeing how little patience and faith I truly have. I am used to having a plan and making things happen. But for now, I have a clear sense that that is exactly what I am not supposed to be doing.

Instead I am growing, very slowly, in learning how to pray about things daily, with open hands. And this week, I discovered another way to cultivate reliance on God.

Food. That's right. Through food.

To save money, I started relying more on the stockpile of food in my pantry, which was more than adequate, but which wasn't always filled with what I wanted to eat on any given day. I also started to eat seasonally. This is how I described it a couple of years later:

I love, love, LOVE red bell peppers and could eat them every day. And in 2011, I can eat them every day, thanks to hot houses in South America and semi-truck trailers hauling food all over tarnation. But I choose to eat red bell peppers when they are in season where I live. By eating seasonally I am reminded to enjoy God's provision in God's timing. Sometimes he gives us things to enjoy, and sometimes he asks us to wait. And it is often in the waiting, and anticipation, that I learn how to deeply enjoy the things he gives me.

Sure, eating seasonally in May is FUN... tomatoes are coming out, farmer's markets are filled with peppers and zucchini and loads of luscious fruit. Yessss! But in January, when there is not much good fruit to be had and the dominant vegetables are turnips, celery, kale and kohlrabi, it's much more challenging. I want to jump ship, cruise through the frozen food section and eat what I want. 

But if I can hold to it, through prayer and self-discipline, what I discover, ever so slowly, is that if I follow the principle of manna and learn how to eat what God provides rather than what I want, a foundation develops in my soul that then is able to receive the other things that God provides... circumstances, relationships, disappointments, changes, you name it. In other words, God used the experience of manna to teach the Israelites to rely on him for every thing, every day. This fosters faith and dependence and intimacy with God.

So these past four years I have been trying to learn from the Israelites in Exodus 16. Rather than complain about anything that is not to my exact liking, what if I seek to gather only as much as I need each day, rest on the Sabbath and "draw near to the Lord" (vs. 9)?

But on vacation recently, I discovered some new things about manna. I was reading through the Gospel of John and came upon the feeding of the 5,000 (verses 1-14). I was just about to skim over it because yeah, how many times have I read this story? Then I remembered I was on vacation, and decided I wasn't in a hurry.

Immediately after the feeding, Jesus withdrew from the crowds to be by himself. Then he walks on water to rejoin the disciples. All in all, a rather exciting day, right?

But look what happens next:

When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, “Rabbi, when did you come here?” Jesus answered them, “Very truly, I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For it is on him that God the Father has set his seal.” 

Then they said to him, “What must we do to perform the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” 

So they said to him, “What sign are you going to give us then, so that we may see it and believe you? What work are you performing? Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’” Then Jesus said to them, “Very truly, I tell you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.”

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 

If I really want to keep learning about manna and reliance on God's provision... oh my. For the first time, I realized that the feeding of the 5,000 was (in part) an object lesson for the disciples, to connect the miracle of manna, something that had been memorialized for centuries by Israel, with Jesus. Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac in Genesis 22 was a foreshadowing of the remarkable sacrifice of Jesus on the cross; similarly, the provision of manna in the desert, which sustains and nourishes Israel for forty years, was a foreshadowing of how Jesus himself meets our most basic needs... IF we rely on him each day. In other words, while the stuff of life meets our physical needs, it is only Jesus who meets our deeper and more significant needs -- emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, eternally.

As I grow in relying on him day by day, may I not stop at simply enjoying the blessing of a full stomach; may that satisfaction be the reminder that only he, the giver of all good things, is ultimately satisfying. It is Jesus himself for whom we hunger and thirst, and every thing else is a mere substitute.

Impossible

I find myself noticing that truth comes to me in bits and pieces. It usually starts with a tantalizing thought that leads unexpectedly to another, then another. If I'm attentive, I can follow these thoughts, one to another, until I'm on a trail to something.

I don't think I've arrived at the destination that these various things point to, but I am intrigued.

It started with some reading earlier in the week, when I came to Luke 1 in my One-Year Bible. Admittedly, I had that brief surge of "been there, done that" wash over me as I started a gospel I have read and taught out of many times before. I fought the temptation to skip over it, pretty confident that something would speak out.

I did not have to wait long:

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you.” 

But she was much perplexed (um, YEAH) by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” 

Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?”  The angel said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.” Then Mary said, “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her. (verses 26-380

I prayed for open eyes and ears as I read. And soon that statement, "For nothing will be impossible with God," stirred in me.

I thought to myself, "Do I believe that? I mean, really believe that?" Because if I did, I would pray bolder prayers. And I would never give up. That's what faith is. It means that I believe, and I am confident that God is who He says he is.

No, it doesn't mean I have to scrunch up my face and somehow prayer harder. But it does mean, like the persistent widow in Luke 18, that I keep showing up, and keep asking.

So I assembled a list of "impossibles." I don't feel the need to share most of them. But suffice it to say they point to the future, to forgiveness, to revolution big and small. And I have committed to praying about them every day. For healing in a friend's life, who just received a devastating diagnosis. For housing for two friends I have met in the last year who live on the street. For love to break through in some hearts....

As I said at the start, these truths come in bits and pieces. I pray for one, then two, then three days about the Impossibles. Then I heard last night as I studied for my class, a stunning reminder. We are working through the Torah, and are currently in the Book of Exodus. In chapter 32, there is a fascinating section, after God hears of the insane decision of Aaron and the Israelites to fashion an idol in the shape of a golden calf for worship right at the time when Moses is received the Ten Commandments. God is furious at their utter foolishness in praying to other gods. Moses speaks up on their behalf:

Turn from your fierce wrath; change your mind and do not bring disaster on your people. Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, your servants, how you swore to them by your own self, saying to them, ‘I will multiply your descendants like the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have promised I will give to your descendants, and they shall inherit it forever.’”  And the Lord changed his mind about the disaster that he planned to bring on his people. (verses 12-14)

There is not room here to go into the Hebrew and explain what this passage means. But certainly, we have imposed the English meaning of "change your mind" and tried to make it to fit into our little theological boxes, thinking we can constrain and quantify God to fit our favorite posture. But God will not be boxed!

I have enjoyed this round of reading Exodus, seeing an intimacy between Moses and God that is beautiful, and in many ways (I believe) archetypal of what we can have with God as we now have His Spirit in us. What I take from this is that if you find yourself in disaster, you can pray to God and ask him to have mercy or even remind him of his promises.  Some want to say that prayer is only for our benefit, to help shape us to conform more to God's unbending plans. Sure, that is part of the process. But I also know God to be a God of relationship and dialogue and mercy and love. The Bible is one unending story of God's pursuit of his people, repeatedly chasing us down and calling us to Himself, the Author and Sustainer of life.

Does that mean that I think God is my personal cosmic vending machine? Absolutely not. But do I know him to be one who wants to hear from me, placing every one of my hopes and fears and prayers into his hands, every moment and every day? Absolutely.


Today I came across a question that carried me further into these truths that have been eeking themselves out in front of me. I receive a daily reading from the Christian Quotation of the Day. (Have no fear, these are definitely worth subscribing to. They are not corny, Precious Moments, power-of-positive-thinking crap... they are historic, profound words from all sorts of writers, leaders, and saints.) 

Today contained this question. Let it bother you.

Do I exhibit the unexplainable in my life?

Like Mary, I am trying to have my reply be, “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.” May we live lives of faith in the impossible.

Thread

It feels so good to sit still and breathe deep after a week packed-full. Due to scheduling, these past few days (since the evening of January 25) have been non-stop with a mission conference, interviews for Summer 2013 intern candidates, and continued work on the Wesleyan Theology training course for leaders. And wherever I could I would squeeze in time for studying my class on the Torah.

Throughout these events I detected a thread that wove through them all. Throughout the Santa Barbara Mission Conference we were blessed by multiple speakers, and the one who rocked my world the most was Brenda Salter-McNeil. I had heard her speak before at Urbana 06 and Urbana 09, but getting to know her a bit and hear from her up close and personal at this conference was incredible.

I cannot begin to encapsulate all that she said, but she spoke prophetically from Isaiah 6 and 11 about "stump ministry." After all these years, I think I have tasted of what it means to get whittled down to a measly stump. I was reminded in new ways that God sides with the broken-hearted. We must cling to Him as we wait for a future we cannot see.

That would have been enough to feast on, but slowly I saw the thread emerge. I went to hear Brenda speak at Westmont Chapel on Monday, January 28, and she taught powerfully on the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10. She called us out as we heard the oft-told story in new ways. She helped me to see how I have been the priest and the Levite, who crossed to the other side of the road to avoid the mess of the man beaten by bandits, more than the Samaritan. In the same way that we walk past trash on the ground, we walk past the "mess" around us, thinking someone else will deal with it. As God has sided with me in my broken-heartedness, I am called to sit with others in theirs. Ouch.

In my reading for the Torah class, we have actually spent these first four weeks on Genesis 1-11. Given that we need to study the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures, you would think we would get going! But this has been time well spent. This week I read through the tragedy of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4, and saw things I had never seen before. Naturally I have been troubled by the strangeness of this story -- why does God prefer Abel's offering to Cain's? In the past I have thought about it, then shrugged my shoulders and given up. But as one of our texts tells us, God has a "penchant for what is not highly regarded." She goes on to break down the Hebrew meaning of the name Abel and Cain. "Abel" apparently points to "what is lacking in worth" and "Cain" is "connected with productivity, with creation and acquisition." In other words, Abel denotes "worthless," but then we are told "the entire Bible shows a God who is on the side of the 'Abels'." Later she says that God has a "preference for what is weak and not able to protect itself." 

WOW. In the past, when students and I have discussed scripture and the repeated instances of God working through the unlikely (David, Samuel, Mary, Paul, to name a few) I have always repeated what I have been taught: that God prefers to use the unlikely because then the evidence is clear that he is at work, and the results are not due to the natural abilities of the person in the story.

I won't say that I have been wrong, but this really is only half the tale. God is powerful and sovereign, but I know that he is not an egotistical tyrant who wants to make sure we know who is in charge. He is a God of mercy, grace and unending love. And as we receive such gifts, we are transformed by such tender and amazing love.

Then, we are called. As the textbook continues, "God's penchant for what is weak and 'worthless' must be imitated by the ones who walk in God's ways." Will I walk past the suffering around me, or will I allow it to make my own life messy?

I can't say that I reached the end of the thread this morning, but in my reading I came upon Psalm 27, and things felt clear:


1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
    so why should I tremble? 

2 When evil people come to devour me,    
when my enemies and foes attack me,    
they will stumble and fall.

3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,    
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
    I will remain confident.

4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—    
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,    
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.

May we all live much more by faith than by fear. May we take risks and love others in the same ways we have been loved by the insanely foolish and persistent love of God.