Another Birthday

Today would have been beloved Claire's 38th birthday. I had breakfast with two friends this morning and we remembered her. It is hard to believe she has been gone since August 2010.

Markers like this are bittersweet at best; to stop and take time to recall the special qualities of someone who is now gone is very dear... but it is also jarring to realize how life has plowed forward all too easily without them. In losing Claire I have experienced a very strange tension: I was (and sometimes still am) angry that we could not put all of life on "pause" and refuse to continue without her. At the same time, it was often a great relief that I had the new things of life to distract me from that unnameable ache.

Grief, after the initial shock and awe of the loss, settles into a strange stereo existence. On one speaker is the (usually) louder ups and downs, joys and challenges of everyday life. Yet humming steadily in the background is a quiet tune that increases in volume at the strangest times -- a visual reminder, a song, a conversation or a particular person can turn my attention from the present concerns onto memories and sadness.

It is a curious thing... Sometimes I have lovely, wonderful, fulfilling experiences or opportunities, and am so grateful for them. They are almost too good to be true, and I cannot believe I have the privilege of doing them. But what do I still wish for? To get to share them with Claire, to see the laughter and delight on her face as I tell the tale. I look forward to those times, but also miss them.

The photo here is of our last conversation... I was heading out for vacation, to take my niece and nephew camping, and stopped by to say goodbye. Those goodbyes were especially poignant because there had been several close calls in the few years preceding them, and at first I did not have the courage to say all I wanted to say... Yet after one especially horrible moment where we almost lost her, I decided to never miss another chance. Over and over I would say all the things that were felt and known, and learned a profound lesson in the process. Thank you Claire.

This morning as I rode my bike back from breakfast and memories of Claire, my iTunes mix brought up this song by Sara Groves called The Long Defeat:


I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
I have heard of other glories

and I pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

we walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next
but what I have I've offered

and I pray for a vision
and a way I cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

and I pray for inspiration
and a way I cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
it's too heavy to carry
and I will never leave

There are many references I could give here as to what "the long defeat" means, but if you are a fan of Lord of the Rings, you know what it is talking about. At one point I heard an interview by Ms. Groves, where she talked about being inspired to write the song out of learning about the work of Dr. Paul Farmer and Partners in Health in Haiti: the whole concept of "losing" a cause yet knowing that we cannot give in to the loss is profound... and really the meaning of life for us as followers of Christ. The weight of sin and brokenness in the world is "too heavy to carry" and yet how we cannot possibly leave either. We stay for the fight, despite the seeming odds against us, because it is simply the right thing to do. As she says, "I can't just fight when I think I'll win."

That was what I learned from watching Claire fight that damn brain tumor for ten years. It was a losing battle, but she never gave in. Her redheaded stubbornness, faith and beauty refused to cave, and it took her without permission at the end. With the strength of the crucified and risen Christ, who is acquainted with such a fight as that, we persevere as well. In the strain of it all, I inch toward understanding what obedience means. We miss you Claire, we don't forget you, and we are grateful for the years we did get to have. See you again.

FSE #6: Lovely Adventures

I am realizing I haven't posted an "FSE" (Former Student Encounter) since April... not that I haven't had quite a few, but I've let the joy of sharing them slip my mind. Gettin' older, y'know...

ANYWAY, I just returned at midnight last night from a whirlwind of a weekend. I drove down on Saturday, Nov. 17, to our Free Methodist Church in Santa Ana, for a Hispanic youth rally called Explosión Juvenil 2012. Completely, totally fantastic -- from the colored lights to the thumping worship to the torta sandwiches for sale out front, made by beautiful abuelitas... a powerful meeting full of praise and worship by a ton of young people. I had many highlights, but perhaps my favorite was seeing four of our pastors up front on the worship stage, dancing in worship with the worship band, leading the students in humility and joy. How I love seeing not just youth, but the key adults in their lives, being together in that way.

From there I drove to Azusa and spent two nights. I got a nice day of rest and Sabbath on Sunday, with a little side trip to Flappy Jacks on Route 66. A fellow gluten-free friend hooked me up and I'm telling you, to get to have a big, goopy waffle after at least three years of deprivation was pretty. darn. amazing. Their helpings are enough to choke a horse, so my food extended into lunch as well. Not complaining.

That evening I went to The Gathering, another Free Methodist service that is being led in partnership with Azusa Pacific University. I have been working with the campus ministries pastor who is leading this service. I felt so fortunate to see another unique way that our movement is seeking to reach its neighborhood. As we say in describing worship as one of our Five Core Freedoms (summed up in using the term "Free" in our denominational name), "The FMC gives freedom to each local congregation to follow the Spirit’s leading on how they worship. Some Free Methodist Churches worship in liturgical style with daily office, while others worship in charismatic style with praise choruses. A few have taken this freedom to create a blended style of worship that brings together a community of people of all ages and creates a family of God that accepts both sacramental liturgy and the Christian year as well the most recent of praises choruses and prayer services. Worship includes not only the music of praise and the study of Scripture but also the sharing of life in community."

As if I hadn't gotten to do enough cool stuff already, I woke up Monday morning and headed over to APU to speak in their morning chapel. I have spoken at Westmont's chapel a couple of times, but APU is about four times larger than Westmont! Their chapel meetings are major productions with all sorts of media, including live feed to another location.

This little youth pastor was rather daunted... I am used to just using my little powerpoint clicker, a Bible and telling some funny stories. In multiple emails back and forth with the tech teams, I tried to not let myself get rattled as I tried to navigate the use of slides and music and quotes and such. But I should have known better... I showed up right on time on Monday to run through tech and who is there but the beautiful and amazing Hannah Elliott Williams! (Pictured above at her wedding, surrounded by us as her former high school small group). I know that Hannah had been working with production for chapel, but just sort of assumed she'd moved on to something else since I hadn't heard from her in preparation.

I am not sure I have ever been so grateful to be wrong. Not only is Hannah still involved, but she's running all the tech for all the chapels on campus... and APU run seven of them each week to several thousand students. Incredible and super duper cool. Hannah was in full bossy lady form yesterday, and completely set me up to succeed, allowing me to use the music and slides I had submitted.

It was a wonderful, wonderful time. The chapel time opened with an APU Gospel Choir that blew the roof off the building. I knew with that sort of set up that I would be fine. The students were incredibly receptive and warm, and even laughed at my jokes. Someday they will post the message on iTunesU, and maybe I'll post the link here. I made a nice fool of myself, but also challenged them to grow up to maturity in Christ by going to / joining / loving the church, the bride of Christ. What a privilege. The rest of the day was full of meetings with students, sweet conversations with students who stopped me to talk about chapel, a meeting with students who want to pursue vocational ministry in their future, and my seminary class in the evening. PHEW. I am rather tired, but smiling.

How blessed and grateful I was for this entire weekend, for this crazy stuff that all adds up to a job that I love, and to see a former student (now a dear friend) who is simply THRIVING. I have already had Thanksgiving!

Confidence

My first hero growing up was Julie Andrews. Keep in mind that the most formative movies of my early childhood were Mary Poppins (1964) and Sound of Music (1965). I really do not think they make movies like those anymore...

Any Julie-phile will immediately know which song to start humming from this photo... here are some of the lyrics:


I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

Oh Julie, how I love thee... but these words are not true. That lovely confidence of childhood and middle school years falls apart in high school and the insecurity that remains carries on in some form for the rest of our lives, at least for most of us.

I was reminded of this in so many ways this past week:

• I met with a youth group last weekend who came up to Santa Barbara for a retreat, and the seniors were open in their profound fears of the future as they anguished over college decisions and social pressures;
• I met with a class at Westmont who traveled last semester through Turkey and the Middle East. We talked over the complicated idea of what it means to communicate the gospel cross culturally, understanding the language and culture of those to whom we seek to serve. One student said, "I don't like this. It's too hard." We all agreed it's far easier to keep things black and white, rather than in nuances and shades of gray, considering each context on its own;
• I met with my Westmont internships class, and we talked this week over how to persevere in ministry over the long-term. We agreed that we so badly want others to love us in order to make us feel needed. I talked over the dangers of that, and taught from 1 John 4 -- how loving others with agape love is utterly different from the human love we know naturally;
• I went to a high school event last night and felt the insecurities and drama of adolescence wash over me as I saw them all talking and texting and flirting and trying to fit in...

But I am not without hope. The older I get, the more I see how impossible it is to live life under my own power. Rather, I am motivated all the more to teach and proclaim the gospel because it is good news: If we lean in to Christ, we gain something new: a boldness and courage that is not human. This morning I am reminded of that gift in Hebrews 10:

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... (vs. 19)

The word "since" implies a response, and the writer of Hebrews does not disappoint:

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings (vs. 22)

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (vs. 23)

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (vs. 24-25)

Then we can go dancing down the road like Julie does, drawing near and holding unswervingly and spurring one another one, if we live out of the confidence that only Christ can give.

But as I kept reading, I was sobered by this:

Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 

Many of my conversations this week were with young people. I love their idealism, energy and earnest questions. They help to keep me from becoming cynical. But I cannot deny that my own experiences of suffering and disappointment have tempted me to "throw away my confidence" at times. Hebrews 10, with its use of "confidence" in two very different ways in one section, reminds me that regardless of whether I have the energy to dance down the road or only have the strength to sit in sadness and grief, that I can still have confidence. How? As one commentator puts it, a confidence from God helps us to "trust in God, certainty of salvation, the conquest of the consciousness of sin, sanction and power to pray and expectation of the future."

So I do not have confidence in confidence alone, and certainly not in myself. But I rejoice that I can still be bold, and take risks, through Him... In fact, it is crucial that I do so, in order to feel the power of his presence in my life, and to last until the end. Press on with such confidence.

Fall Updates 2012: Day Seven

Last night a group of us who meet every Tuesday night for Bible study and fellowship did what we normally do on the last Tuesday of every month: we do laundry with friends who live on the streets. It was started at a laundromat nearby by a friend of mine who called it Laundry Love. (I know there are other Laundry Loves in Santa Barbara, but we are only connected in spirit).

We arrive around 5pm with a Costco-sized tub of laundry detergent and an old pasta jar full of quarters.  As we plug quarters into the washers and dryers, we hang out and visit with our friends. Once the stuff is in the dryers, we serve up about 6 large Domino's pizzas, which we purchase through a generous deal with the owner next door.

I need to be honest and say that when we started doing this about eighteen months ago that I had to really rev myself up every time to do it. It's a very meaningful thing to do, but that doesn't make it easy. Making conversation with people who are living with some major challenges -- be they financial, medical, mental, chemical or social -- is not always easy.

But after all these months, something clicked for me last night. It was... lovely. Conversation came naturally, names were known and said, genuine affection was shared, and we laughed as we lamented the troubles of life together. One of our key couples was not there last night because they had taken a trip to New York City which was very much derailed by Hurricane Sandy. The regulars heard about this and had a bunch of questions for us. One of them said as we were leaving, "Please make sure they know that we are all praying for them here." I nodded, and thought to myself, if anyone knows the challenges that weather and hardship can bring, it is these people. Their prayers will be heartfelt, for sure.

I prayed about our time together with our friends this morning, and I read these two things:

Like every human organization the Church is constantly in danger of corruption.  As soon as power and wealth come to the Church, manipulation, exploitation, misuse of influence, and outright corruption are not far away.

How do we prevent corruption in the Church? The answer is clear:  by focusing on the poor.  The poor make the Church faithful to its vocation.  When the Church is no longer a church for the poor, it loses its spiritual identity.  It gets caught up in disagreements, jealousy, power games, and pettiness.  Paul says,  "God has composed the body so that greater dignity is given to the parts which were without it, and so that there may not be disagreements inside the body but each part may be equally concerned for all the others" (1 Corinthians 12:24-25).  This is the true vision.  The poor are given to the Church so that the Church as the body of Christ can be and remain a place of mutual concern, love, and peace. (Henri Nouwen)

Psalm 103

1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
    and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
    and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

I have learned so much not just by serving but by knowing the poor. They are not "bums" or "hobos"... they are people with names who are made in the image of God. He knows the number of hairs on their heads.

I heard this verse taught on years ago by a man I greatly admire, Bob Mitchell, the former president of Young Life. I take it seriously, and will end with it:

Those who shut their ears to the cries of the poor
    will be ignored in their own time of need. (Proverbs 21:13)

Fall Updates 2012: Day Six

I will start this post by saying, "It's Still Easy Being Green." Huh?

As I share in these last few posts about what I am up to, I want to confirm that I am still as green as ever when it comes to transportation. Two years ago, almost to the day, I posted here about selling my car and opting to rely instead on my scooter, my bike, my feet, public transportation, the kindness of friends and an occasional car rental!

Whenever this comes up in conversation, people are nearly always either curious or baffled. And then their first question is usually some variation on "And how's that working for you?" I am happy to say that I am doing just fine. More than fine, really.

Not only has it been two years since I sold my faithful 1997 Subaru Legacy Wagon, but it's also been five and a half years since I bought my Buddy scooter, which is just about to hit 14,000 miles on the odometer. It's also been over nine years (May 2003) since I started this "green journey" intentionally. Along the way, I've definitely discovered a few things...

It's not that difficult. Granted, I'm single and don't have to transport others on a regular basis. But regardless of who I talk to about this, it is easy for them to admit that they could easily do one trip a day without their car. Here's more info and motivation on bicycle commuting. Really - think about it... consolidate some errands into one trip; bring a lunch to work instead of driving somewhere; ride your bike to Farmer's Market... there are plentiful options!

It helps me stay in shape. By walking and/or cycling every day, I would venture to say I'm the healthiest I've ever been. And I've finally been able to figure out how to lose a little weight along the way. Quite possibly a miracle for me, a person with the metabolism of a fire hydrant.

It makes me more aware of the poor in our midst. It's so #firstworldproblems to talk about being green, in some ways. After all, the hipsters love to ride chic bikes or scooters, right? And let's not forget that it is quite the luxury to get to choose whether or not to drive a car. But I will say that not having a car has caused me to be much more aware of the elements. For example, I diligently check the weather forecast almost every day in order to figure out what I will face as I go places. And whenever it rains more than sprinkles, I take the bus. One time on the bus I overheard two people sitting next to me spend the entire bus ride (half an hour) talking through their options for the day due to the weather. It only took a few minutes to figure out that they both lived on the streets by what they talked about: which bus stops had shelters, where to buy fresh socks for the cheapest price, where to find warm meals, etc. Ever since then, I think about our friends on the streets whenever the weather veers from our 70 degrees in Santa Barbara.

I am a more thoughtful consumer. This could be an entire blog topic by itself, but suffice it to say that when I have to first consider whether or not I can carry whatever I purchase in the front basket of my scooter, or in the grocery bag carrier on my bike, that I am greatly slowed down when it comes to shopping.

My main motivation is spiritual. I can't deny that I'm saving a bunch of money by doing this. Filling up my scooter still costs less than $6, no car maintenance saves a bundle, and even on those days I need to rent a car or take the train, it all adds up to be much less expensive in comparison to the weekly costs of owning a car. But make no mistake, Reason #1, first and foremost, for me "being green" is creation care. I firmly believe that we are called as Christians to be good stewards of God's creation. As I mentioned directly above, not having a car forces me to be more careful in my spending. But I want to be quick to say that this is because I am pursuing the spiritual discipline of simplicity, not because I need to pinch pennies. (Though I cheer on anyone who needs to do it for this reason!) I am blessed to say that I am in a comfortable place financially, earning more than in my previous position at a church.

Just a few things to think about....

Fall Updates 2012: Day Five

Almost exactly a year ago I posted an update of writing projects, and I'm happy to say that the opportunities keep coming. This week in particular has been a banner week for me, and I want to share my good news.

Before I begin: I've said it before and I'll say it again... if I was hoping to make a living as a writer I would be homeless and hungry. But getting to write things on a regular basis to a nice variety of audiences is more than gratifying, so I am not complaining.

Here is what has come out this week -- I wrote them all at various points this summer and fall, but they managed to be released at the same time:

• Limping Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death: Lessons from One Who is Acquainted with Grief, Youthworker Journal. This is my tenth article for Youthworker. I consider it a privilege to write for them, having benefited from their work for years when I was more active in youth ministry. While I wish I did not have the experience to have written this article, I am grateful that they asked me to contribute to the conversation.
• I am Woman, Hear Me Roar, Conversations Journal. This article title sounds way more in your face than it actually is. It is simply my reflections on the life and impact of Lydia, a first-century church leader in Philippi. Her life and ministry have been a model to me.
• Confessions: Spiritual Disciplines for Youthworkers, CYMT.org. This is my 11th of 12 articles on the classic spiritual disciplines and what they can look like for youthworkers. I have really enjoyed writing this monthly column and it looks like I get to have a column again next year.
• It Happens: True Tales from the Trenches of Youth Ministry... OK, this didn't come out this week, but about a month ago. It was fun to have an entire chapter in a book, not gonna lie.

November will mark four years since I went on sabbatical and started this rollercoaster (as many downs as ups) ride of transition. In this process I have learned more than could ever be adequately described here, but suffice it to say I am nearly speechless with gratefulness at God's creative provision and more importantly, his very real presence and love. He is the God of freedom, grace and eternity.

To conclude I share some words from the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 31 (verses 17-20) that I read today:

“O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you! You show unfailing love to thousands, but you also bring the consequences of one generation’s sin upon the next. You are the great and powerful God, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. You have all wisdom and do great and mighty miracles. You see the conduct of all people, and you give them what they deserve. You performed miraculous signs and wonders in the land of Egypt—things still remembered to this day! And you have continued to do great miracles in Israel and all around the world. You have made your name famous to this day.

Fall Updates 2012: Day Four

Despite my schedule getting that much busier as I juggle a class at APU and teaching at Westmont, I still get to cook nearly every night of the week -- and never you fear, my Big Three are still front & center: gluten-free, organic and seasonal.

Before I continue though, I must share this: on Twitter yesterday I saw this tweet and it made me laugh out loud. It came from someone running a fake Chris Rock account, but nevertheless:

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Fantastic! Mr. Fake Chris Rock, rest assured that I do realize this, and yes, I see that I am being made fun of. Totally fine.

As I was saying, I'm still cooking up a storm... Summer was fantastic, full of berries, chard, endless zucchini, all sorts of tomatoes, red peppers, eggplant, cauliflower... the list goes on and on. As fall vegetables take hold, I shed a tear at the loss of my beloved red peppers and raspberries, knowing I must wait many months for their return. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I will simply stuff my face with other lovely delectables! Tonight I made a favorite of mine from last year, Moroccan-Style Stuffed Acorn Squash. Uh-mazing still. But I've added a few more to the recipe box, and rather than stretch them out, I will list them all here... I have found them through various sources, and will only share the links here, for you to explore yourself. Trust me, they are a wonderland of yummy-ness.

Brown Rice Mushroom Pilaf - I don't know which part of this I like most, but toasted walnuts have become my new last-minute flair for several meals.

Farmer's Market Chowder - I'm a little late to the party on this one... you may have to use canned corn at this point, but it's still definitely worth it.

Risotto-Stuffed Mushrooms - Oh my heart this is fantastic! But I tweaked just a tad and it worked perfectly... rather than make this as an appetizer I stuffed the risotto into meal-sized portobellos. Trust me. Perfection.

Butternut Squash Risotto - Last but not least, my first butternut squash of the season awaits on my kitchen counter. Oh the joys!