Leaving

As I exit the pastoral ministry at Santa Barbara Community Church, there simply are no words for what I’ve been feeling and experiencing these last few days. The profound sense of love, of loss, of joy, of sadness, all arm-wrestling inside of me at the same time… It just makes want to go to bed. But ultimately, I believe and embrace the fact that I have been deeply blessed to have known so many, so well, for so long.

During a graduation commissioning service one year at church, I said that when a graduate leaves, it is not as if I had a room for him or her in heart which will just get filled by another student once the graduate moves on. Rather -- it is as if my heart has many rooms; and in each heart room, the bed is made and the light is on, ready for that student to come and visit when they call or come home. It was always available. It has been extraordinary to watch a wealth of people grow up – physically, emotionally and spiritually. I just beam with delight at the thought.

Yet I also cannot deny that to have kept this many rooms ready in my heart has been tiring at times - but it has always been worth it. I have never tired of loving so many, so much. I know this is Jesus in me. A human heart is not capable of loving this many people. I know my own heart isn’t able to do this, anyway.

So to “leave” this church family now is beyond difficult. I ache over all the relationships I have. Each one is real and true. Each person sets off a slide show in my head whenever I see them. I feel the laughter, the tears, the huge experiences and memories, again and again. I am so thankful to have a good memory – I can recall so many amazing details!

The depth of things I'm hearing from people is overwhelming. I cannot take it all in. People are writing the dearest things in cards and emails. I am fortunate to get to hear it. Thank you Jesus. So much. You are far too kind in allowing me to hear people's hearts. This is but a tiny nibble of how You must feel! It nearly crushes me. How do You do it?

As I leave this body of believers, I step into so many unknowns, I feel like I’ve been launched from a cannon out into a giant canyon. I have no idea if I have a parachute, a bungee cord, or a net to catch me. Or nothing! It is exhilarating and utterly terrifying at the same time. Only your hand Lord is there. Please catch me. And take care of those whom I love. You love them far, far more than I do.

I loved you so much that I was delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but my life as well, because you had become so dear to me. (1 Thessalonians 2:8, slightly adjusted ☺)