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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Proud Scooter Owner

Okay okay, I'm so comfortable with myself that I'm willing to share a link of something that COMPLETELY mocks me. I read this today on Stuff White People Like.

Enjoy. Mock away. But admit you're jealous of my Buddy scooter :)
Within white culture, your choice of transportation method says a lot about you. For example a Prius says you care about the Earth, a bicycle shows you REALLY care about the earth, and a bus shows that you are probably not white. But these three options are not the only viable ways for a white person to get around, they have literally dozens of choices including Volvos, old Mercedes that run on vegetable oil, Subaru Outbacks, and Vespa Scooters.

As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.

In addition to these superficial qualities, there are some very practical benefits to white people. Namely, scooters are perfect for gentrifying neighborhoods which are often short on parking and heavy on people who are impressed by Vespas.

If you are in search of a fun game, a white person who has recently purchased a Vespa can be a source of tremendous entertainment. Step One, get them talking about their Vespa (easy). Step Two, start asking them why they didn’t save money by getting a Honda or Suzuki that gets the same mileage. Step Three, see how many of the following justifications a white person will use during the ensuing rant: environment, parking, urban lifestyles, union labor, writers, fuel efficiency, Roman Holiday, study abroad, and being into Vespas before other people.

Finally, the Vespa has produced one of the great paradoxes in white culture. Vintage Vespas are infinitely cooler than newer ones, but the vintage models produce more pollution than most automobiles. If you know a white person going through this dilemma, just say something like “the amount of energy and carbon used to produce a new scooter will probably cancel out the emissions from your vintage one.”

Problem solved forever.

I will tell you -- not defensively, of course -- that I do NOT own a vintage Vespa, ahem... I own a Korean knockoff manufactured in 2007 with low emissions, thank you very much.

I will also gladly share with you my reasons for buying it ANY TIME you want :)... OK, I won't make you wait: environment, parking, urban lifestyles, writers, fuel efficiency, I look cool driving it, I get the "two wheels down" sign from Harley riders, and DUH I was so into scooters before other people. Double Duh.


  1. :) you are so great Kelly. Love this post.

  2. I AM so great, gosh darn it. And people like me.

  3. My philosophy is if you like something than you like it - enough of this worrying about whether or not something is "cool" or "cliché"... you and your scooter are awesome. :)

  4. Can you please talk to my husband about letting me have one? I really don't want my car. My bike and a scooter will do nicely. I personally think it's more dangerous to ride my bike around town than to scoot but he's not convinced.

  5. I will not get in the middle of that one :)

    I will say that if you are a vigilant cyclist that you apply the same principles to riding your scooter -- assume no one is seeing you or looking for you, and ride defensively. Also, do not get a 50cc bike - they don't go fast enough to be able to accelerate out of a bad situation.

  6. Hmm, Green like Steets. He will be quite proud . . .what's with the picture without the helmet? Helmets are very cool and good for protecting the noggin? See you tomorrow (with your helmet I hope!). Gup.